Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Days at the Beach!

I'm using the term "beach" generously.  In Northern California, it's really more accurate to call it the Coast.  But beautiful, and relaxing, and centering nonetheless.

Matt and I made not one, but two beach trips in the last two weeks, and I was again reminded why the Pacific Coast is one of my most favorite places in the world, even when it's a little chilly.

Muir Beach

Bodega Head

Bodega Head

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The experiment is over...

And Weight Watchers and I are back together.

I just couldn't make it a month without weighing myself.

So two weeks ago, I stepped back on the scale.  It was up a pound.  Then last week, I got on it again, it was up further.

Something was wrong.

During my scale-less experiment, I realized very quickly that it's easy to spiral out of control.  Even when I'm weighing in weekly, I can say, "I can have this, I have 4 (or 5 or 3 or whatever) days to make up for it."  But when it's monthly weighing, I have 2 or 3 weeks to make up for it.

So it was the same cycle I described when I decided to stop weekly weighing, but with a lot more time to gain.

I learned that changing up the schedule doesn't change up the cycle, and until I deal with the cycle, I really, really need the accountability of the scale.

So the next step is to actually do the hard work of dealing with the binge restrict cycle.  I have some book recommendations, but I need to pull the trigger on ordering them.  It's kind of scary.

Matt and I are going on vacation next week, so all of the self discovery is going to take a backseat to enjoying my family.  Weight Watchers can provide the structure I need to keeping a 10 day vacation from getting out of hand.  But when I get back, it'll be time to tackle this thing head on.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

My Break Up

I'm breaking up with Weight Watchers.  Or, it'd be more accurate to say we're taking a break from each other.

This time around, I've been doing Weight Watchers since August of 2010.  It's by no means the first time I've done it, I've been a Weight Watchers member on and off since I was 16.

But the last 3 or so years have by far been my most successful.  I've lost 50 pounds, and I haven't quit and gained it back.  That's a huge accomplishment.  That's because it's a great program.  They have a system that works, that's livable, and they've created an online and in person support system.

Not to brag, but I feel like the pictures speak for themselves.

Summer 2010 (Pre-Weight Watchers)

Summer 2011

Summer 2012


So, there's a little bragging here, but seriously.  Look at my face.

I know I've had success, and I'm really proud of it.

But at the same time, I'm really tired of caring about my weight.

I'm tired of doing everything right, eating well, working out, feeling great, then stepping on that scale to have that great feeling come crashing down.

I feel healthy.  I feel better than I've ever felt.  So why have I been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds since last October?  That's right, I hit my lowest weight since high school last October.  Then I hit a plateau.  Then I gained 15 pounds over the holidays.  And I still haven't lost it all or gotten back to my October weight.

It's infuriating.

And I think focusing on my weight is making it worse.

If you're familiar with Weight Watchers, you can skip this paragraph.  But if you're not, here's a quick run down.  Weight Watchers gives you points.  Every food is a certain number of points, it's based on the fat, fiber, protein, and carbs in the food.  You get a certain number of points per day.  You can earn extra points by working out.  And on top of all that, you get 49 points per week you can use however you want.

Sounds like a great plan, right?  Well, it is.  Between the weekly, daily, and activity points, I don't generally feel deprived, and deprivation is a fatal blow to any weight loss program for me.  I can still drink wine and eat pizza, I just can't drink wine and eat pizza every night.  And if I want more wine and pizza, I have to go for a run or a zumba class.

But here's my cycle.  I've been at Weight Watchers long enough to know how my body reacts to certain things.  I know that if I'm sore from a hard workout, I'll retain about 3-4 pounds of water weight.  I gain weight around my period, and a salty dinner and alcohol will also cause a gain.  In my head, I KNOW there are all false gains.  I know that it's just water, and it'll be gone next week.

But I hate seeing a gain.  So starting Monday, my entire menu and schedule will be focused on not seeing a gain on Wednesday.  Even if I have Activity or Weekly Points left, I won't touch them.  I'll chug water with lemon to get rid of bloat.  And under no circumstances will I do activity on Tuesday that could either dehydrate me or make me sore.

On top of that, I'll start jumping on and off the scale.  Last Tuesday and Wednesday, I probably weighed myself 7 or 8 times before my official weigh in.  I'd weigh myself, go do something, then come back and a weigh myself again to see if anything changed.

So as you can probably imagine, I'm a bundle of nerves by the time I get to my official weigh in.  And then crushed when I find out what I knew I was going to find out, that it's a gain.

How do I deal with disappointment and stress? you ask.  How do you think?

And it's Wednesday, which means I have all 49 points ahead of me.  So I get a dose of disappointment, and an influx of points at the same time.

By the time I get a hold of myself, it's usually half way through the weekend, and I decide the only way to make up for it is, low and behold, deprivation and ridding myself of water weight.  And the cycle continues.

It's not healthy, and I know it's not healthy.  Not only is it stalling my physical weight, it's taking a toll on my mental health.

So here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to keep counting points.  I know Weight Watchers works when I let it.

I'm going to stop going to meetings.  I just can't have the focus be on losing weight right now, and that's a big focus of the meetings (which is understandable, considering it's in the name of the organization).

I'm going to hide my scale for a month.  I decided to have my points reset on Mondays, since I don't have a meeting to go in, so my last weigh in for a month is going to be Monday morning.

So I'm just going to focus on exercise and eating, and I'm not going to worry about my weight.  Because regardless of what I weigh, it's the healthy habits that are important, right?

Then I'll weigh myself in a month and see where I stand.

I sound sure of myself, but it's all just an act.

I know this is what's right for me.  I'm feeling a ton of anxiety about not knowing my weight for a month.  But the amount of anxiety I'm feeling right now is telling me that I'm doing the right thing by changing the focus.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Evening Plans

Normally I'd do my list of inspirational quotes, cuz it's Wednesday and all.

But it's been a lonnnnggggg day and my brain is full.

So I'm not doing anything that involves thinking.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Doors

One of the things we realized when we bought this house is that the doors had to go.

Step one

Spend a lot of time on the internet trying to figure out what the hell we're doing

Step two

Realize we're in over our heads and call my dad for help

Step three

Wait for my dad to get to town

Step four

Matt and my dad go to Home Depot and buy lots of tools

Step five 

Tear all the trim and doors off the wall

Step six

Buy doors.  

Step seven

Realize that we can't buy interior double doors at Lowe's or Home Depot, and we should have gotten the doors before we tore the other ones off the wall.  We're going to have to live with a hole in the wall for the next 3 weeks.

Step eight

Realize that doors won't fit in our car (which shouldn't be a surprise if you drive a Saturn Ion) and rent a van from Uhaul.

Step nine

Put up the rest of the doors

Step ten

Drink beer and eat pizza

Step eleven

Realize that in the next few weekends, we have a wedding and Mothers' Day, and painting the doors and installing trim is going to have to wait.  Promise blog readers that they'll get pictures later.